Not Craft Related!

So sometimes, I’ve got no desire to discuss crafting (weird, right??) and a blog with traffic already is as good a place as any to discuss “real life” with you all.

So for about 6 years now, I’ve lived in a really horrible nightmare of a trailer. Now, don’t get me wrong, when I moved in first with my son Tarquin, it was gorgeous. Huge rooms, the trailer is about 14×70 or so. It was a dream come true for only $3,000.

For the first time in a long time, Tarquin and I were both happy, warm, well adjusted, and convinced that we had one of the more pretty places we’d ever been in. I had a “real job”, Tarquin was doing well in school, I’d gotten rid of a poisonous relationship. Life was good.

About a year into it, things began to fall apart. The first thing, was when the entire kitchen exploded in mold.

A nightmare ensued. I became deathly ill. Literally. I can pull up the years of chronic pneumonia, the lung issues, the prescriptions where at one point, I was on 60mg of Prednisone a day because my lungs were that bad. I nearly died.

About 95% of the reason Tarquin joined the military was to be sure of warmth, a roof over his head that didn’t pour in water, and 3 meals a day, something at this point, I couldn’t give him.

We finally got the mold under control, and my grandfather, the dearest man to me on the earth, finally died after a decades long struggle with heart issues and leukemia he’d gotten from working unprotected with industry paint strippers for his auction business. My grief was so bad that finally I collapsed with existing gallbladder issues, that caused a failing liver, and a pancreas that decided to again go on strike on me. I was a month in hospital, and a year recovering from jaundice, and I’m still recovering from the massive weight gain thanks to meds. I have around 200lbs nearly to take off, and it’s going slowly. All these issues meant I didn’t give a fuck about the trailer, I needed to worry if I was going to live. So the unfixed issues got bigger, and they got worse. Snowballs in Upstate NY aren’t unusual even in summer, what can I say.

I also suffer, and not well, from various mental health issues (so far the only thing working great are my lungs) and at times, a small thing will magnify into a spiraling, horrifying nightmare. Success in any form scares me, I’m convinced something will come up, and slap it out of my hands. I have issues with my business succeeding, and the fates forbid I’m happy in a relationship, I’ll do my best to ruin it and make people hate me.

So I’m not an easy person at times. I predict failure, and then am depressed when it self fulfills.  Doesn’t make my agony any the less, in fact now, it is also guilt, and horror that I was”right”.

I recently lost my shit essentially. I was succeeding, terrified and convinced that it couldn’t last. And, it couldn’t. I got self destructive and again fucked things up, alienating people who care about me, driving away people who were truly my friends. But who I couldn’t accept because I’m so convinced I’m not worth knowing.

And to drag crafting back in, as I have to on here, it’s not easy to work your business, or craft when you simply don’t give a shit. And, most people who struggle with depression, or BPD as I do, are often incredibly brilliant, and knowing you are failing makes it that much worse because you are smart enough to stop it, but can’t. You have people who want to help, but you turn from them, partly convinced that they can’t possibly help, but mainly because of your desire to not drag anyone down into the cesspool that is your life and mental health. It’s a vicious circle that sometimes, you never climb out of. Luckily, this time I did.

Now what tho?

I’ve been making a few tentative plans, I’ve acted on some, others I’m trying to act on.

I’ve cleaned up some of the personal life issues that were upsetting me most, certain relationships were firmly put on the back burner, and destructive people were asked to step away from me until they could control their own issues instead of magnifying mine with their self destruction.

I’m regrouping my business. I do want my business to succeed, and I do want to be able to help others as they’ve so often helped me, and the best way I can do that, is to make sure people have the products they need and want. But I was failing badly at that. Not what I wanted, but I was. As I said, success makes me nervous, so I did my best to make sure I failed.  I never said I was smart.

So right now, my business is on hold while I try to clean old business up and get back on track.

The trailer, has to go. I’m miserable, I can’t see it being fixed easily, and it’s really unlikely that I will hear the words “bus driver, move that bus”. I will be working on at least getting it liveable to a less dangerous point, and being able to be warm in winter is nearly a must.

I can’t let the above pictures be what my life consists of. I’ve sunk just $1k nearly just into the bathroom, using my own money, and crowdfunding, and I’m still at bare walls and basic plumbing, not including the ability to shower in my own home (I do so at my gym where I’m working on that 200lbs)

I want to wash dishes in a sink in a kitchen (I can’t currently do that), I want to turn up the heat, and actually have heat.

Basic, everyday things most take for granted, that I haven’t taken for granted in nearly 6 years.

I’ve always been fascinated by the tiny house movement. I’m not sure I could do anything under 300 square feet, but at this point, I’d rather live in a pup tent than this trailer.  Every so often on my local Craigslist, I run into really great deals on RVs, and while I understand RV living and Upstate NY aren’t always the best combos, again, it’d be an improvement on my current conditions. Just yesterday, I regretted not being able to lay my hands on $800 in the worst way.  And don’t think the fantasy of being able to just go hasn’t crossed my mind either.

So, my other goal is to raise funds and turn around and buy something, anything to live in. I’d even be willing to take just a trailer base at this point, or a camper in horrific condition, with the thought that it is easier to fix up a tiny trailer than it is to fix up a 14×70 trailer that fights being lived in and has entire rooms with no floors.

I’ll be listing auctions hopefully, and doing fund raisers in the form of things I make, to try and raise money for this. I need to be out of here, I can’t handle any of this anymore, and I’m pretty tired of having to be strong and make do, if I’m going to be “roughing it” then at least let me have the dignity of being able to shower in my own home.

If you’d like to help, I do have a crowdfunding effort going on, you can check it out here on GoFundMe. This post is not asking for help, I only want the people who want to help me, to help me. Pity is not anything I’m after, not in my life, not for my “illness” and certainly not for my living conditions, they are all inside of my control, but sometimes, even strong common sense me knows I need help in order to grasp and keep that control.

ETA 7/19/2015 Conditions haven’t changed much here, and that fundraiser didn’t raise even $80. But thank you to those who did help.